"It is difficult for one person to act a play." - Chinese Proverb

Reduced to next to nothing, addiction humbled me. A lesson to be learned in retrospect, I suppose. 

In my addiction, I would learn that it would be okay. I would die with a drink in my hand. There could be no other way. Forty (40) would be my end, no doubt, were I even able to live that long. I knew alcohol was killing me, but it would be my hero's torch, or so it was I one time thought.

Addiction does not care for analysis, self-analysis. That would be unnecessary. Denial could and would and did fill that gap. Addiction stripped away each layer of my character until there was no character left to strip away.

"It is difficult for one person to act a play."

It was difficult. I was but one person. And it was not a play. Neither acting nor reacting except the Chemical Need for More of the Killing-Substance. 

When you are neither Person nor Play, it is absurd and sad and demoralizing, to say the least. I had become a Beast, a Human Animal, no more (or scarcely).

The wealth that is a person, me, had been reduced. Some people balked at the subtitle of my first book: The Destruction... of an Alcoholic Animal. 

No longer a Person, Addiction reduced me to an Animal, a Rat in a Trap and mostly disregarded by the Lab Techs in the White Coats of my Imagination. 

"I am not an Animal! I am a Human Being!" is a famous line from The Elephant Man.

I was an Animal. I was no longer (or barely, at best) a Human Being.

The whole simultaneous Illusion and the reality of addiction were on my back, crushing me. 

No Safety Nets. No Exits. No Fellow-Actors in the One-Act Play my life most surely had become. No Set. No Props. No Audience. 

But still and yet and soon, there was Magic to be had. I came to in a hospital bed one too many times in blackout non-remembrance as to how I got there.

A World of Others who'd been in the same Trap as I'd been in were the light that slowly, surely, entered my head, replacing 50,000 Drinks and Drugs that had consumed me, one by one, until a Recovery Life finally could be built.

"It is difficult for one person to act a play." Surely

Maximum Theatrics on a Summer Afternoon. Whether Actor or Audience, it has been done, For fun. For Amusement Only. But not in real life. Not in a life. Not in my life. The Addicted Life Would Die and I would Live a Life in Recovery.

Recovery from Addiction? Best not done alone. Addiction is in your brain and change will take an untold number of days, missteps and fine-tuning. And Others. Best not done alone. Leave the Animal behind. Rejoin Humankind. 

"It is difficult for one person to act a play." 

So, don't. 

Rejoin your Humankind in Fellowship. It can be done. It has been done. It will be done and will be done again. 

Again. Human. Kind.

*****

Check out my NEW Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery 

(Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT 

Immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal 

(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): https://lnkd.in/esP83n-c 

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books

I hope you enjoy BOTH of my BOOKS on ADDICTION & RECOVERY! (Print & Kindle Versions of Both are Available!)

The Cop's Bullet Hit the Hand of the Thief Whose Gun Was Aimed at Him.

This is not about the cop. This is not about the thief.

This is about an EMT, that moment, and you.

This is about Your Recovery.

Listen to the screaming pitch of the ambulance as it approaches the scene. Think back to the softening, deeper sound when an ambulance moves past you and fades into the distance.

Now think about that moment when the cop's bullet hits right below the knuckle on the thief's right hand between the index and middle finger. Think about three sausage-like fingers encased in human flesh, bones shattered, blood splattering, fingers dangling.

Skip ahead mere moments when the scene has been contained, the EMTs have arrived and the robber's unblemished hand, his left, has been handcuffed to the stretcher.

AN UNEXPECTED, UNNOTICED AND INSTANT REACTION: The EMT reacts as he has been trained to do. The wounded suspect lunges at him despite being chained to the stretcher. Instantly, the EMT stills him to prevent an even worse outcome for the guy. With calm certainty, he commands, "Don't move or you may lose all your fingers." 

What could have escalated into an even bloodier scene has been contained. How the fuck could he have remained composed in the havoc this situation presented to everyone present?

Our cop's target stops in his tracks, somehow able to understand that despite his lashing out at the EMT that he is there to help him and that he must not move, or his entire hand might be in jeopardy. A frightened, injured and trapped animal might have reacted no differently than this man on a stretcher. A defiant act in an erratic attempt to somehow survive. How to live through this pain and chaos? How?

Is he even thinking? 

Or is there only the pain of a lifetime congealing in his bloody hand? Maybe he's trying to escape his entire life of torment leading up to this moment? Am I being too kind? 

Enough of this sense, this nonsense, this insanity. Freeze this moment in your head as you are reading this. 

Pause. 

Let it sink in. 

A thousand different outcomes were possible in this moment.  

Our EMT could have easily and mercilessly pulverized this guy, damaging the hand even further. No one would have blamed him. He had every right to. He might have felt exactly that had he taken the time to feel. "Don't move or you may lose all your fingers." It came down to his training, the Hippocratic Oath, first, do no harm. Do his job. That's what he was here for. 

This story reveals my own self-doubt. What would I have done? Would I have struck back at the perpetrator of a crime turned gunshot patient? Could I have simply done my job as an EMT, or would my kneejerk reaction have been less professional? Could I have made sure this guy's hand would be in worse shape than it already was? Would I be justified? 

Little heroics often go unnoticed and unrewarded. Prevention of the potential escalation this whole bloody situation offered can so easily be overlooked. 

Prevention is seldom rewarded. 

What does this gruesome tale have to do with Addiction and Recovery (as of course you know it must)? 

Be patient. You will find your own answer as my words continue to clean up this bloody crime scene. Remember, the cop is a hero here too. He could have easily shot the grocery store thief in the chest rather than disarming him with a bullet to the hand holding the gun. Likely had the cop hit the thief's chest with this single shot, all would be forgiven, and the neighborhood would resume its normal activities in no time flat, no questions asked. 

No EMT would be carrying away a corpse today. Worse consequences averted.

Let me offer full disclosure here. I zoomed in on this narrowest of situations. More went on than my focus so far has portrayed. Dozens of participants and onlookers. Other ambulances, more cop cars, traffic at a standstill, onlookers second guessing everything. Other shots fired. Four cops wounded by shrapnel. No direct hits but for our man on the stretcher. More. Much more than this transpired here. 

This whole little story could have gone wrong in a hundred different directions than it had.

This is about this cop, an EMT, that moment and you. What would you have done were you the cop, were you the EMT, were you the gunman?

Cop, EMT or gunman, in my drinking days, I'd be drinking like a motherfucker afterwards even if I had been merely a witness.

Not drinking or drugging is Heroic, too. What bad or worse has happened, could still happen, should you pick up a drink or drug today? 

If your living in Recovery has helped prevent you from picking up a drink or drug today, you are a Hero. By living in Recovery, what tragic outcomes have you prevented? What catastrophic consequences have you headed off by remaining clean and sober?

What would you have done in your dis-ease?

What have you prevented from happening by not being in one of your thousand addicted states of mind today? 

If you haven't picked up a drink or drug today, you're a Hero in my book.

An Unsung Hero No Longer.

Cop, EMT, You. 

Heroes Three.

Catastrophes Averted.

Clean & Sober Heroes ALL. 

Think before you drink or drug. Avoid Catastrophe. Don't pick up.

Clean and Serene, Be Your Own Constant Hero.

Clean and Serene in Long-Term Recovery.

Be. Heroes. All.

My job is to remain Clean and Sober. 

No. Better. Outcome.

*****

Check out my NEW Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery 

(Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT 

Immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal 

(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): https://lnkd.in/esP83n-c 

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books

I hope you enjoy BOTH of my BOOKS on ADDICTION & RECOVERY! (Print & Kindle Versions of Both are Available!)

WE'VE ALL LOST OUR MARBLES (Now the Question is... )

 

The missing Caption to this drawing (pictured) goes something like this: "We've discovered the problem. There was a loose marble in the ashtray."

We all tend, at times, to make a mountain out of a molehill. Now, when it comes to marbles, where we lost them, where we might find them and how we might learn to use them again, the waters become murky.

On one hand, we may complicate things in our search, much as the mechanics in this cartoon illustrate, and on the other hand, we must strive to make everything "as simple as possible, but not simpler" as Albert Einstein has been noted for saying. 

Between the extremes of Over-Complicated & Over-Simplified, I have come to believe (after around 8 years of relapses and 5 years of continuous sobriety) that The Middle Way usually works best for me. 

I lived my life for 30 years of daily intoxication at both extremes of the spectrum and to continue to search for my marbles at these depths and heights in my recovery would be closer to the wanderings of a drunken sailor than a stalwart searcher for a sober life of meaning and substance.

All of which leads me, finally, to comment that your marbles may be closer at hand than you may first suspect in searching distant horizons. Start your search in the daylight, in the moment, inside of yourself. 

Now the Question is "What to do with them?"

For me, the Answer has turned out to be "Help Others."

For in Helping Others, I have often found myself closer to finding myself.

*****

Check out my NEW Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery 

(Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT 

Immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal 

(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books

I hope you enjoy BOTH of my BOOKS on ADDICTION & RECOVERY! (Print & Kindle Versions of Both are Available!)

So Little Do I Own, But Sparingly, I Share.

 

(medium.com)

"Everything you own, owns a part of you." - Gracie Allen

Air. Fire. Water. 

These are everyone's and no one's.

Two days ago, I fasted for 38 hours. I caught myself a dozen and more times thinking of food. The bowl of gumdrops on my desk had to be removed. It surprised me that I really didn't get very hungry. Perhaps knowing I would not starve, that food would be had when my fasting ended sustained me.

 "Everything you own, owns a part of you." 

Addiction took most everything away from me. In Recovery, I have learned to live a very simple life, possession-wise. 

I breathe. I eat. A book or two. A few close friends. No fancy clothes or car, not even a bike. Someone gave me a much-needed new pair of sneakers last week. That was kind. And good.

My life seems to suit me fine these days. Change comes my way when I look for it and sometimes most often when I'm looking least of all.

Accumulating a ton of possessions was not my way in my addiction and it surely is not my way in Recovery. I don't prescribe or even suggest how others might or should live. 

Live and let live suits me best.

My simple life is all I own, and Recovery is my everything.

*****

immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal 

(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): https://lnkd.in/esP83n-c 

(Print & Kindle Versions are Available!)

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books 

Every Decision Included a Drink Until I Could No Longer Think

 

"If you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, then change the way you think about it." - Maya Angelou

"I can remember standing on the front porch of our house with my father when I was maybe ten years old. We lived in a small valley and a few miles away to the west was the rim of the valley. This was called South Mountain. We could watch storms approaching from the other side of the mountain. My father taught me how to predict when the storm would reach us by counting the seconds between when we saw the lightning and when we would hear the thunder. The closer the storm, the less time it takes between seeing the lightning and hearing the thunder. 

It takes a long time, too, when you first get clean and sober to get a clear picture of reality. 

Relapse now and you may never hear the thunder and feel the rain wash clean the debris of your disease.

My father and I stood on the porch. We saw the storm get nearer, saw the lightning, heard the thunder, the dog and cat beneath the couch because they were frightened and did not understand. 

And then the rain would come down in buckets, the street still hot, giant puddles of water, the steam rising and sometimes, just sometimes, after the storm, we would see a rainbow."

*****

The Storm of My Addiction has Ended.

I have found Recovery & Recovery has found me.

"Relapse now and you may never hear the thunder and feel the rain wash clean the debris of your disease."

Clean and Sober, the Rainbow is inside of us.

"If you don't like a thing, change it. If you can't change it, then change the way you think about it." - Maya Angelou

The Rainbow is inside of us.

*****

Following the opening Maya Angelou quote, much of the rest of this post has been excerpted from ALL DRINKING ASIDE, pp. 201 & 202.

Immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal (Find it on Amazon. Book it here): https://lnkd.in/esP83n-c 

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books

Trigger Warnings

1) He's So Hungry he could eat a Horse.

2) She's as Skinny as a Toothpick.

3) If I Relapse, I'm as Good as Dead.

Two out of the above Three are Definitely Hyperbole.

The third may or may not be. 

I want to state unequivocally that every time I relapsed, it always got worse. That doesn't mean it would for you or for me or for anybody else again. But for me, the Gun Has Fired Blank Five Times. I refuse to stare down the barrel of that Relapse Gun yet another time.

FAVORITE (?) TRIGGERS (Admittedly, there are millions):

a. I can't do this.

b. I can't cope.

c. Drinking and Drugging are what I know best.

d. I'll show them.

e. I'm so lonely I could die.

f. The future holds nothing for me.

g. Knee-jerk reactions

h. I can't sleep.

i. Fuck A.A. Fuck N.A. Fuck everybody.

j. I may as well use.

k. I can lie my way out of anything.

l. Thoughts of I will be able to control my drinking and drugging this time.

m. The list is endless. Add as many as you wish. ANY EXCUSE WILL DO BUT THERE IS NOT A SINGLE SOLID REASON WHY I SHOULD PICK UP.

n. NONE

These Dozen or So TRIGGERS even have me, coming up on 18 years continuous, pause.

Whatever you do, Don't Pick Up.

There's nothing out there.

Never was.

"Nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more."

"Recovery is Possible, Doable, Irreplaceable."

*****

Immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal (Find it on Amazon. Book it here): https://lnkd.in/esP83n-c 

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books

(Print & Kindle Versions are Available!)

STILL THE EVER-IMPATIENT CHILD, My 18th Year of Continuous Recovery Looms Before Me (June 18, 2022)

Sometimes Choice Does Not Seem Possible. 

Sometimes I would Drink and Drug whether I wanted to or not. Promises in the morning became lies before nightfall. In Addiction one slowly and surely becomes the Victim of Addiction. "I am the Actor who Portrays me. Alcohol is the Thug Who Betrayed Me." Something like that. Mostly like that for 30+ Years of Daily Drinking & Drugging.

THOSE DAYS ARE GONE! 

Today, I choose Recovery at Every Turn. Addiction Constricted me like a Boa, Squeezing the Choices right out of me. Recovery is EXPANSIVE.

RECOVERY is POSSIBLE, DOABLE & IRREPLACEABLE. 

"NOTHING MATTERS MORE THAN THAT WE REMAIN SOBER BECAUSE WHEN WE REMAIN SOBER EVERYTHING MATTERS MORE." 

If you've read any of my posts before, likely you've noticed themes running through them. Basically, they can be condensed into: I REJOICE RECOVERY!

STILL THE EVER-IMPATIENT CHILD, My 18th Year of Continuous Recovery Looms Before Me (June 18th)

Life is Good and it Becomes Better as my Clean & Sober Days Accumulate.

Choose wisely. 

Watch your People, Places & Things. 

If you are Clean & Sober now, strive to remain so. 

My 8 years of fading in and out of Recovery taught me one thing: Using Never Got Better. Choice flew out the window like a MOTHER-EFFING MOTHER-EFFER! [Pardon my Poetry, lol]

Now that I'm ALMOST 18, I think I can almost get away with saying that!

RECOVERY: REJOICE!!!

*****

Help me Celebrate my 18th Year of Continuous Recovery. Check out my NEW Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery (Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT 

Or immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal (Find it on Amazon. Book it here): http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books

I hope you enjoy BOTH of my BOOKS on ADDICTION & RECOVERY! (Print & Kindle Versions of Both are Available!)

The World Between Freedom & a Storm

 

"Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace during a storm." - Anonymous

My Grandmother sits counting her rosary beads. I am ten years old. She whispers a prayer in Latin as each bead slowly moves on. She appears calm in my memory. The light appears to pour out of her as easily as it falls upon her. Her breath is quiet. Her voice is low and calm. There is a unison of sensations going on. Sight is sound is smell is touch. The pause between her inhaling and exhaling lies in some state of eternal evaporation.

Watching her calms me. She could not translate into English a single sound of Latin she had memorized. The sounds took her out of herself.

(Sotto): The world between dreaming and sleeping, waking and calm. There seem to be no borders between one state of mind and the next. The peace that Jim seems to have found is more than the absence of chaos; isn't it, Vatchi? A peace that is not an absence, but the thing itself.

*****

This short post is excerpted from ALL DRINKING ASIDE, p. 261.

Check out my NEW Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery (Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT 

Or immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal (Find it on Amazon. Book it here): https://lnkd.in/esP83n-c 

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books

I hope you enjoy BOTH of my BOOKS on ADDICTION & RECOVERY! (Print & Kindle Versions of Both are Available!)

"JIM, what is it with you? Is Every Damned Thing About RECOVERY to You?

 

(sentencedict.com)

"Without music, life would be a mistake... I would only believe in a god who knew how to dance." - Friedrich Nietzsche 

I ask myself theoretical, theatrical and rhetorical questions (as inferred in this Nietzsche quote) every day.

The answer, always, travels me into a tangent, a tangerine, the smell and touch of an easy peel. I dance around Recovery every day as if around the May Pole. A Celebration of Spirit. 

Today, I saw a picture of a Leprechaun Drunk on Cinco de Mayo. 

I hated every Holiday in my Drinking Daze. 

Holidays brought out all the Amateur, Social Drinkers to the Bars. They were not welcomed by me. They got between me and my next drink.

Tangerine, Tambourine, Trampoline. I Dance them all, Sober and Serene.

Yes, in answer to your question: EVERY DAMNED THING IS ABOUT RECOVERY to me.

Celebrate, thou Kings & Queens, but Humbly, my Friends, for Recovery is a Dream that must be held lightly, not too tightly. Addiction lacked meaningful frivolity. Addiction lacked everything.

And so, you see, Recovery is my Everything. 

So, yes, and yes and yes and yes. I dance.

*****

Check out my NEW Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery (Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT 

Or immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal (Find it on Amazon. Book it here): https://lnkd.in/esP83n-c

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books

I hope you enjoy BOTH of my BOOKS on ADDICTION & RECOVERY! (Print & Kindle Versions of Both are Available!)

The Eyes of a Child and of an Old Man Converge

 

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." - Marcel Proust

Every day, the child I was, the old man that I am and the person I wish to become walk hand-in-hand-in-hand. I wear glasses but my vision is clear. Sober. Recovery has given me new eyes and these eyes are being renewed each day. 

Addiction took away everything from me. Recovery has given me my life back. 

I haven't gotten to the point of being enthralled by watching the paint dry, but over the first three days in my new Sober House, I did notice that the grass was noticeably just a little longer each day. In my addiction, the curb at times was my stone pillow, passed out I knew not where, why (besides alcohol and drugs) or how. I would come to wanting more of what was slowly dissipating me.

It was me who was disappearing in the bottom of the glass.

Most certainly I'd not be noticing the growing of the grass.

The landscape is unquestionably outside of me.

Today, I can remember the days when a swimming pool filled with Visine couldn't "get the red out" of my bloodshot eyes.

My young, old and sober eyes are new again.

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." 

*****

Check out my NEW Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery (Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT 

Or immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal (Find it on Amazon. Book it here): https://lnkd.in/esP83n-c 

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books

I hope you enjoy BOTH of my BOOKS on ADDICTION & RECOVERY! (Print & Kindle Versions of Both are Available!)

ADDICTION BOOKKEEPING: Recovery WINS by a LANDSLIDE!

(makeameme.org)

"In order to gain anything, we must first lose everything." - Buddhist saying

Recovery Beats Addiction by an Overwhelming Majority Every Time!

There were a few pluses in the early stages of my drug and alcohol use. CHOOSE TO USE did once apply but once Use became Addiction, it became a losing proposition. Midway through, I was already done in. I just didn't know it yet. Drug and alcohol use had become an investment of sorts so no matter how out-of-sorts I became, I would learn to win the game or so I thought. 

Wrong. So Wrong. It was in Recovery that I would learn to Surrender.

Upon Reflection, the Balance Sheets Read Zero. 50,000+ Doses of Drinks and Other Drugs lead me to one inevitable conclusion: The Drinking Life was Killing Me and I was left with nothing again, and again.

This Buddhist saying, "In order to gain anything, we must first lose everything" could not ring truer for me. I was reduced to nothing and then less than nothing. With each relapse during my first eight years of periodic sobriety I repeatedly tried to gain some kind of control over addiction, but always would and did fail. 

RECOVERY IS MY EVERYTHING. There is simply no comparison.

Hands down, Addiction loses every time.

I sip my tea (coffee, if truth be told) with a sense of incomparable Solitude and Belonging.

"Who Could Ask for Anything More?"

*****

Check out my NEW Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery (Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT

Or immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal (Find it on Amazon. Book it here): https://lnkd.in/esP83n-c

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books

I hope you enjoy BOTH of my BOOKS on ADDICTION & RECOVERY! (Print & Kindle Versions of Both are Available!)