(huffpost.com)
Right off the bat, here's what you will find here: I am in the process of moving (likely to a Senior Housing Authority location or a Sober House) and in preparation, my Spring Cleaning has unearthed handwritten notes from my First and Second Year of Continuous Sobriety. What is below is some of that. "recollected in tranquility," and a Facebook post from my 16th year of sobriety, June 18th of 2020. all of which is condensed and annotated here.
YEAR ONE (All of these notes from my first two years sober are after my initial 8 years of relapse and were crib sheets for intended speeches I never delivered):
"When I drink, the only world there is is alcohol."
"After 50,000 drinks, living got in the way of my drinking,"
This was to have been followed by a lengthy description of my Four (4) Near-Death Experiences:
1) A roommate who attempted suicide, survived, and then, months later, attempted to kill me.
2) A year or two later, a random thug followed me home after a drinking binge and proceeded to rob me. That resulted in a lengthy hospitalization and enough teeth knocked out of me by him that I ended up, prematurely, with a set of false teeth.
3) Suddenly, I found a knife at my throat in the hands of my then-landlord's ex-husband. I had exposed him in possession of cop-killer bullets while he was out on parole.
4) You guessed it; My Fourth (Almost) Killer was Alcohol.
Naturally, and very likely, none of this would have happened had I been Clean and Sober this entire time.
I then would go on in my imagined speech to list my work history as a waiter, bartender, librarian, advertising executive and my extensive radio and TV commercial work. All that fades in importance to a single day Clean and Sober by me, by you, by anyone. Then, Now and Truly.
"The drunk I was will drink again." I have heard this expression repeatedly in the Rooms of Recovery. It infers that if "nothing changes, nothing changes," again, heard in the Rooms, sometimes followed by "What do I have to change?" And the answer, of course is "Everything!"
For me, it came down to moving from being a Victim in my Addiction (with all its attendant Insanities) to becoming Responsible and Relatively Sane in my Recovery. My favorite line from this whole first year speech (which I never delivered despite a dozen pages of notes) is this one: Addiction is "a blind man descending a spiral staircase leading to nowhere."
This undelivered speech ended with the now obvious: "In Recovery, life is possible."
YEAR TWO (Again, my thoroughly prepared crib sheets were discarded before I did finally get up to share before my AA Group):
My favorite part of all of this Year Two Speech Preparation is how it was to have started: "An avalanche and then forgetful snow. This is how I would die. Death by alcohol. It would comfort as it killed." It sounded great and expressed how I felt repeatedly coming to in the hospital from near-death alcohol poisoning. Another favorite line, which until now I had completely forgotten, is this one:
"Alcoholism is a war and we've all been wounded in action." This was to have been followed with comparisons to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
And then this, a Quote from AA's Big Book: "There inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink... our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient in the light of what always happened."
I DON'T EVEN VAGUELY REMEMBER THIS PART: I had compiled a list of over forty (40) examples of Denial found in the Big Book, not limited to Blaming Others, Rationalizing, Minimizing, Hostility and Anger. Denial is such a big Topic for me, even today. Likely I'll keep this copy of forty (40) examples of Denial for another day and a few more years.
Memory is a Gift of Recovery that I was robbed of by my near daily Blackout Drinking way back when!
I CLEARLY DO REMEMBER THIS FUNNY PART FROM YEAR TWO: In the Big Book's Chapter "Crossing the River of Denial" on page 333. when confronted with her alcoholism, the writer retorts that she could not possibly be an alcoholic because "I used ice cubes, for God's sake" [As any self-respecting social drinker can tell you, alcoholics DO NOT USE ICE CUBES!] followed by this Classic Line from the Big Book's "Flooded with Feeling" Chapter: "I sometimes drove a car when I was too drunk to walk."
[Not included in my Year Two Speech Preparations, but relevant to its content here, is this short Verse]:
"Denial"
There was a time when I was not there,
But I did not know it yet.
I would drink to forget, forgetting what I did not know.
Not yet. I did not know yet.
Where was I then, when I was not there?
For years I lived somewhere between myself
And the next drink.
I would drink to forget what I could not think,
Halfway to nowhere and another drink.
I was grieving and I did not know it.
Someone was dying, but I could not feel it,
Feel my own dying.
I could not own it because it owned me.
Denial is so hard to feel,
Yet, there it is,
Standing next to you. You -
Halfway to nowhere and another drink.
OMG, YEAR TWO EVEN HAD A THESIS: If you are not reaching out for help and you are not reaching out to help, then you are in Denial. THEREFORE: If you are not active in your Recovery, you are headed towards Relapse.
JEEZ, I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD IT IN ME: Here's a little gem I wrote in Gratitude for my AA Sponsor, Mac. I wrote: "Wisdom is Kindness Intelligently Expressed." He inspired that. He embodied that.
Here's where I skip ahead to YEAR SIXTEEN (Nothing preserved in my memory or on paper of the intervening fourteen (14) years, Sober Anniversary-Wise, that is. The following is Condensed from a Facebook Post commemorating my 16th year of Continuous Sobriety.
1) What about Covid-19, the protests of racial injustice sparked by George Floyd's death and the staggering unemployment? What if I were newly sober today, confronted with greater unpredictability than I've seen in my lifetime? Would I be able to accumulate 16 years of sobriety under these conditions?
Today, 16 years of sobriety has given me a certain degree of fortitude and I stand on solid ground. 16 years and one more day, I think I can do, but were this my first day sober, in the world as it is, might likely be a bridge too far.
And a drink, too close.
Hope too much to even hope for.
WRONG!
"Stinkin' Thinkin'" can swallow up nearly anyone.
Enough of me looking back into a well of self-pity (I almost fell in there, if you didn't notice!).
I did it. Under any conditions, including these, you too can do this and I could do this again. Each day, we all do it again. Every day, we all need help, including me. Please, include me. I am not immune. 16 years and a day, a day, another day. Each and All.
2) I need my Peeps.
It took me around 5 years to admit to myself that Social Connection is what brought me back to the Human Race. I began to understand that my most profound inspirations were offshoots of my human experience, refined in isolation, perhaps, but learned and experienced in real time at moments of Human Connection (including Science, Literature, Music, Art and all the Humanities).
3) A drink is the most disturbing company I have ever kept.
4) I have crossed the threshold of my 16th year.
THERE YOU HAVE IT, ONE, TWO (skip to), 16.
Stay tuned.
My 18th Year of Sobriety is on June 18th. How appropriate. Finding the balance between Seeking Attention and Paying Attention is being mulled over in my mind at this moment.
Thank you. You haven't heard the last of me. And I, of you, I hope.
Another day approaches.
Strive on!
*****
#Enjoy my first book, the Autobiographical Fiction titled ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal. Find it on Amazon. Book it here: http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO
My NEW, Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery, is also on Amazon and may be found here: https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT
Both books are available in Print and Kindle editions.
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