06 September 2020

A Spiral Staircase, Phantom Memories & Insanity's Bouquet ("YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE PROOF")

 

ADDICTION: A blind man descending a spiral staircase leading to nowhere.

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Phantom Memories

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I still have phantom memories of my drinking past, euphoric recall. It's as if one of my legs were amputated, but that I can still sometimes, somehow feel those toes that are not there. Triggers are phantom toes wiggling. Don't take the bait. Don't bite. Use your good leg, the sober leg. The bad leg is gone. Let it go. Say your eulogy. Mourn this death and move on. Addiction is a beast that lives within you. You cannot kill the beast. Denial, anger, fear will not kill it. Begging, pleading blaming will not tame it. Depression, self-pity, doubt: they only feed it. Confront it. Accept it. The beast will never die.

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Insanity's Bouquet

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Insanity's bouquet is not of different colored roses, or different flowers of various sorts.

It's a bouquet of weapons, destruction, defense and offense, all wrapped in lies and gin-soaked tears, false laughter, hollowed out bones. This is insanity's bouquet. Hot steel. cold steel, nothing. I will fill the black holes of my memory with a retrained brain. Live my way sober or lie my way drunk, powerless victim or sober victor. One foot in front of the other.

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"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE PROOF"

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The Court of Public Opinions will convict me.

"You Can't Handle the Proof."

The Masquerade of Time will dispel recovery's urgency.

"You can't handle the proof."

I'm addicted to self, a lifetime of self.

"You can't handle the proof."

My disease trails me like a slug praying to catch up.

"You can't handle the proof."

What is my disease and what do I have left?

"You can't handle the proof."

Sobriety is my long-last act of love.

I can almost handle the truth.

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"Nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more."
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The above quotes are all excerpted from ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal
On Amazon.com. Book it here: http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO 
5 Influencers' 5 Star Reviews of All Drinking Aside: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/5-most-helpful-star-reviews-all-drinking-aside-jim-anders/