A Different A.D.D.
NOT Attention Deficit Disorder, characterized by having difficulty paying attention, being hyperactive and exhibiting impulsive behavior. I'm talking about Alcohol Deficit Disorder, an attention-grabbing acronym for alcoholism. Where it took me. What it did to me.
*****
Now what? What next? Where?
*****
"To try to tell the story of my life, I see there is no story to tell, just episodes united by the disease of alcoholism. Selective recall. I doubt hypnosis would reveal much more of note as most memories were never formed in the first place during my nearly daily blackouts. Artificial excitement, emotions raised and lowered by drugs and alcohol. Opportunities pursued drunkenly or not at all.
Sometimes I wished I could stop, but I never thought I could stop drinking. Half of my Tower of Babel was my alcohol-induced inability to understand A.D.D. (Alcohol Deficit Disorder). 'I'll gladly pay you Tuesday to stop my alcohol deficit today.'"
*****
Perpetual taking. That's what alcohol did to me. And me, all the time, thinking it added to my creativity, despite the illegibly scribbled notes I might have woken up to. In no way did alcohol expand my vision, actually or metaphorically. Like a horse wearing blinders, I saw only the road ahead and the road ahead contained only the next drink.
Always in a state of alcohol deficit, the drink in hand, never enough.
Of course, that was never my intention. Alcohol changes intentions into a wide arc that circles back upon itself, complete only in the next drink, the illusion of the next drink.
*****
The continuous undulation of a complete, fulfilling and utter presence in this moment.
Alcohol could give not give me that.
Focused attention on the spectacle of an ordinary life.
Alcohol would not give me that.
The wind blows over the dunes on the beach beneath me, crystalline sand blowing my way and the ocean waves singularly and together meet and define the shoreline.
Alcohol did not want to give me that.
*****
Abundance, satisfaction, the simple perfection of life as it is.
The order of life, imperfect, perceptible in recovery.
*****
My Alcohol Deficit Disorder is DEAD.
Recovery uncovers reality, minus the unreality of addiction.
Subtract alcohol.
ADD Recovery.
Stand back.
Live.
*****
Now what? What next? Where?
*****
"To try to tell the story of my life, I see there is no story to tell, just episodes united by the disease of alcoholism. Selective recall. I doubt hypnosis would reveal much more of note as most memories were never formed in the first place during my nearly daily blackouts. Artificial excitement, emotions raised and lowered by drugs and alcohol. Opportunities pursued drunkenly or not at all.
Sometimes I wished I could stop, but I never thought I could stop drinking. Half of my Tower of Babel was my alcohol-induced inability to understand A.D.D. (Alcohol Deficit Disorder). 'I'll gladly pay you Tuesday to stop my alcohol deficit today.'"
*****
Perpetual taking. That's what alcohol did to me. And me, all the time, thinking it added to my creativity, despite the illegibly scribbled notes I might have woken up to. In no way did alcohol expand my vision, actually or metaphorically. Like a horse wearing blinders, I saw only the road ahead and the road ahead contained only the next drink.
Always in a state of alcohol deficit, the drink in hand, never enough.
Of course, that was never my intention. Alcohol changes intentions into a wide arc that circles back upon itself, complete only in the next drink, the illusion of the next drink.
*****
The continuous undulation of a complete, fulfilling and utter presence in this moment.
Alcohol could give not give me that.
Focused attention on the spectacle of an ordinary life.
Alcohol would not give me that.
The wind blows over the dunes on the beach beneath me, crystalline sand blowing my way and the ocean waves singularly and together meet and define the shoreline.
Alcohol did not want to give me that.
*****
Abundance, satisfaction, the simple perfection of life as it is.
The order of life, imperfect, perceptible in recovery.
*****
My Alcohol Deficit Disorder is DEAD.
Recovery uncovers reality, minus the unreality of addiction.
Subtract alcohol.
ADD Recovery.
Stand back.
Live.
*****
*****
"Nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more."
*****
The passages above in quotes are excerpted from All Drinking Aside: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal
Find it on Amazon.com. Book it here: http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO
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