Again and again I return to this...
... That addiction obliterates self-discovery. Behind an opaque wall protecting my addiction at any cost, my sense of self devolved in the flask of alcohol consuming me. I almost lost what now has become essential to my sustained recovery.
Yes, it may have occurred to me later, had I lost my voluminous notes, but here it is as I rediscovered it:
"This is very interesting. The very process of writing... has increased my self-discovery. In my notes, typed in without asterisks, italics or exclamation points, I found this simple entry, a note to myself: 'Alcohol replaced self-discovery.' Like that was an insignificant afterthought, interesting, but of no real importance. And yet, there it was, brushed over, cast aside, almost ignored."
Alcohol replaced self-discovery... REPLACED IT! There is the horror of addiction, to me, to me. Self-discovery obliterated. Those who do not know ask questions like "Why is he being so selfish, so self-centered?" WOW! It didn't feel that way to me as I sped to my bottom, still decelerating in early recovery. I had almost missed this most basic of facts.
For me, recovery has become political.
Because I did not die. Because I lived to have the opportunity for self-discovery in a sober and very real world.
"... there it was, brushed over, cast aside aside, almost ignored"
Alcohol Replaced Self-Discovery.
Here it is: Meditate or Medicate?
The decision is yours. I have made mine, moving forward toward my true and future self.
The loss of lives is one thing. The loss of life within, for each and every addict, the inner-selves consumed. That is another. I could and should and may and might stop right here, unfinished, detached, weary.
But I, we, we in recovery who have survived, must move forward, with crystal clarity move on, knowing through meditations and actions that in Recovery discovery, rediscovery and reconstruction of our lives is beautiful and green, joy and sorrow intertwined, strengthening our resolve, providing ground for fertile growth, hopes unhampered by our newfound clean and sober potentials unfolding. In short, now, life is so good. Life is so good.
Meditate on this until it lets you go: Life is so good. Let the words melt until all that's left is the very goodness of this here and now.
Let it go and part of it remains. Song of Recovery's sweet refrain. Carry it with you and let it go: the same.
"Nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more."
#Alcoholism #Addiction #Recovery
Passages in quotes are excerpted from ALL DRINKING ASIDE: http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO
Recovery Tweets: http://twitter.com/JimAnders4