30 January 2019

Worried by Alcoholism? I Wasn't.... (Worry is Like a Rocking Chair... )


"Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."
- Anonymous
*****
For at least the first decade of my drinking career, calling myself an alcoholic, at least to the people sitting on the barstools next to me, was not a problem. Bragging rights. "I don't know how I got home, I was so messed up." Expressions like these were commonplace. But by the second decade, I started losing coats, keys, apartments, jobs. The progression of alcoholism with all its subtle and in-your-face changes is not a straight downward descent. It is marked by peaks and valleys. My third decade of drinking was littered with lapses in employment and housing. That new normal required that I drink at home, alone, when I had a home. By that time, I was not worried by alcoholism, I was worried about the next drink. Increasingly I drank more. My blackouts would occur around the end of the sixth drink and I would continue to drink until I passed out, usually two or three hours later, by my recollection.
"The further alcohol took me away from myself, the less I understood that I was losing my foothold. From the outside, I am sure it looked like I was becoming more and more selfish, but increasingly, I was not feeding myself, i was feeding my disease. The more selfish I may have appeared, the more my disease had dissolved my self away."
Not worrying in my addiction was really a form of defeatism. In recovery, not worrying is a positive thing. 
Recovery: Do the next right thing, the next right thing. 
No worry.
End of story.
*****
#Alcoholism #Addiction #Recovery
*****
The passage in quotes, above, is from ALL DRINKING ASIDE.
I hope that this post will serve as a bridge, a window and a door
to what you will find there....
*****
ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction
of an Alcoholic Animal
Find it on Amazon.com. Book it here: https://goo.gl/ycu5jg
Recovery Tweets here: http://twitter.com/JimAnders4
99+ Recovery Posts onLinkedIn here: https://goo.gl/fmzt9b

The #Illusion of #Control, All the While Drowning in a Sea of #Alcohol, has Dissipated on a Sober Shore


*****
"In control. Out of control. The illusion of control. Only an alcoholic has this perpetually deepening illusion of control despite continually worsening negative consequences. The disease is hard at work. Social drinkers do not think like this. 
'Why doesn't he just stop?' 
The social drinker does not understand this alcoholic insanity.
The die may have been cast at Jim's birth, through heredity, but each drink slowly soldered shut some door. 
Slowly. 
Soldered. 
Shut." - (Vatchi, one of the 3 Fictional Characters of All Drinking Aside)
*****
My eventual surrender to the fact I am an alcoholic (whose best decision is to abstain from alcohol in any and all forms) took me several relapses and 8 years of continuous, unrelenting struggle. Addiction divides our world and divides and redivides the addict, making mincemeat of flesh and human heartbeats. My indomitable spirit could not surrender against the tide of 50,000 drinks and untold consequences. "The bird does not know the sky" and I, blinded, did not know the depths of the sea of alcohol in which I swam. I did not breathe oxygen. The air itself was alcohol as I was propelled to the bottom, gasping for breath. I would somehow live to see past this dying, naked figure on the bottom of that ocean, drinking more to somehow save itself.
My undoing took time. 
A sustained and sober pattern of breathing took years of effort and practice. This new and sober resilience would be learned and the way I was... unlearned, relearned.
Easy, relaxed patterns of living emerged slowly. What seemed impossible in the drink became possible in recovery. 
Surrender to win. 
Sweet surrender. 
Let a new life begin now and now, a green emergence in the sylvan sky. Released....
The illusion of control over drinking, while once drowning in a sea of alcohol, has long dissipated. Dissipated, yet never fully gone, always the possibility of this illusion's resurgence. 
Now and now, sobriety's sustained peace in the cradled arms of recovery, the echo of waves, beached finally on this human shore. Breathing unlearned, relearned and learned again. This sea is free of alcohol once more.
Breathe in sobriety's intoxication, real, illusion-free.
Breathe out... another day is born.
*****
#Alcoholism #Addiction #Recovery
*****
"Nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more."
*****
You may also enjoy ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal 
Find it on Amazon.com. Book it here: http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO 
Recovery Tweets: https://twitter.com/JimAnders4  
99+ Recovery Posts on LinkedIn here: https://goo.gl/fmzt9b