16 August 2022

SOMETIMES, My CURSOR Makes Me CURSE!

 


Sometimes, When I Cut & Paste,

The Words Will Not be Placed

As I Intended

And, Upended,

I will Curse (or Worse!).

Be Not Offended,

Should you Read My Books,

My Well-Placed F-BOMBS Are Willful, not Malevolent.

Hopeless, Dying, Streetwise, High, described within,

F-BOMBS Are Not a Cardinal Sin.

WHAT Is WORSER Than A CURSOR CURSE?

Addiction Affliction.

Get the Feel of it, the REAL of it.

ALL DRINKING ASIDE & BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction & Recovery

Are Purposeful When an Occasional F-BOMB Greets You.

The Choice is Yours: My CURSOR or My CURSE!

(Nice to Meet You!)

*****

Enough Silliness! Here are the Links to both my Books:

Immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal 

(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books

Check out my NEW Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery 
(Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT 

Both Books are Available in Print and Kindle Editions.

06 August 2022

"DON'T MAKE ME THINK. DON'T MAKE ME FEEL." (THAT'S YOUR DRUG HISTORY TALKING) DON'T LISTEN... REJOICE

 


Using Drugs and Alcohol stopped the Flow of Feelings and Stifled Clear Thinking.

In my early Recovery, Floods of Thoughts and Feelings almost swept me away. I wasn't used to thinking and feeling. My habits of using precluded thinking and feeling. Thoughts and Feelings might get in the way of Using. And life simply didn't seem worth living without my substances (Like a bad marriage: "Can't live with 'em. Can't live without 'em.")

Recovery is the Good Life, Real and Full and Fulfilling.

Slowly and surely, I would learn to let thinking and feeling back into my life.

Recovery is that different world I did not know I did not want to live without.

I'm really not prescribing anything here, but I do know that my 30-year prescription of self-medication was not working and frankly, rarely, if ever, did.

Discover your own path. Create it as you progress. You will surely learn that Recovery is as Progressive as the Behaviors that it will be replacing. 

Rejoin. 

Rejoice.

Recover.

We are here to help each other come out of those dark and deadly days.

Allow yourself to think and feel. It's free and we will become freer each passing day.

I know this entire post is more sugar-coated than most I've written.

Sometimes I allow myself the occasional sweet thought.

RECOVERY IS EARNED (I knew the sugar-coating couldn't last forever!).

"Work it; you're worth it" is an old Truism in the Rooms of Recovery. Like a shiny penny, an occasional repolishing seems in order. 

Enjoy this new life as we carry it forward.

******

Immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal 

(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books

05 August 2022

A FEW SHORT WEEKS AGO, HE WAS LIVING IN RECOVERY. TODAY, HE IS DYING, DYING, DYING.

 


It takes much to take my breath away and leave me speechless. 

The pictured quote from 2015 is as true today (or truer) as it was then. Experience has proven this to me. In some ways, the details do not matter much, but let me mention the most dramatic weight loss due to drug use I'd ever seen horrified me recently. Addiction wasting away another one. I've been wrong before. He might live but addiction is eclipsing his life right now.

Below, a repeat of an old post from several years ago. It helps capture my frustration and emptiness where words now are nearly impossible for me.

THE TOMB OF THE ANONYMOUS ADDICT

Sometimes, walking down the street, you think you hear the sound of leaves scuttling along, but these are the plans, hopes, dreams of the dead. Wind barely whispering over the green lips of empty bottles, syringes puncturing the silence in their stillness. Sentences gasping for a last breath forever unfinished. The Tomb of the Anonymous Addict is really many tombs in many doorways, further down anonymous valleys than any still alive have ever ventured.

No such monument truly exists. It's undedicated, the dead remains unidentified. It is truly unnamed and unguarded. It tires me, this Tomb of the Anonymous Addict. It exists in my mind only... and it make me weary.

******

Immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal 

(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books


17 July 2022

HOPE SUSTAINS US WHEN THIS ONE LIFE FAILS


ADDICTION KILLS. 
Words fail.
Life goes on. 
The only constant is change and life goes on.
ANOTHER BRAIN-DEAD DEATH.
The friend of a friend of a friend of a friend has died a brain-dead death by addiction.
One does not lose track of the individuals lost, but one no longer counts the numbers of the dead. "After the first death. there is no other."*
The Dead here, the Addicted, now Dead, are all Children robbed of the Blossoming Recovery provides. Recovery had not fully taken root and the results are CRUSHING. We who survive are more than just a little broken. 
Mercy, Addiction, Mercy. 
Have Mercy Upon Us. 
The suffering of the now dead has ended. We carry our suffering forward as we heal and help and hope the next uncountable death may be prevented.
Despite this death (or because of it) life still seems somehow IMPERISHABLE.
THERE IS NO GREENER GREEN THAN HOPE. 
Hope sustains us. 
Red is Dead (the worst rhyme ever). 
Yellow Serves Us (as a sign to warn others and to remind ourselves).
Green, the Greenest Hope there is, Sustains Us.
Not the first death. Not the last. 
Green, Sustain Us.
Death. 
In Remembrance, We Carry the Imperishable Torch Forward.
*****
* From "A Refusal to Mourn the Death, by Fire, of a Child in London" by Dylan Thomas

28 June 2022

MY OBSCURE BRUSHES WITH FAME

 


The letter pictured here is from August 25, 1980, BEFORE "Private Dancer" turned Tina Turner into a Megastar. She had dinner where I then worked at Le Grand Fromage restaurant in Atlantic City. We both drank yellow and green Chartreuse after the second floor emptied out and it was just me and Tina.
She sat on my lap in her sports car. Her driver took us to a Disco.
It would be silly to document more than I have here at this point, after so many years,
After dancing and before the August 25th letter, I wrote a song for her titled "Get Me Out of These Clothes." 
I had more success with my song for Joe Frazier who had retired from boxing but was performing at Resorts International in a Casino Lounge there. His Musical Director, Richie Daniels, and I worked together on a song I wrote for Joe called "Storm Warning." My New York copyright attorney drew up a Songwriters' License for me and Ritchie. Joe rehearsed this song in Resorts, but it never came to fruition.
My WORST Failure was a song I wrote for the Village People with a co-author from Pennsylvania. "RCMP" stunk, frankly, but by sheer coincidence, I did end up having dinner with one of the Village People when, both single, there was only one table open at Moma [that's how Billy, the owner, spelled Momma] Mott's Restaurant one hot summer night. So, we shared the table and wined and dined discussing Can't Stop Productions. We knew attorneys in common. Big Whoop!
ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction and Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal is really not about the successes and failures of Jim, the budding writer. The STAR of this Autobiographical Fiction REALLY, is Alcohol. What it Does, what it Did, how it changed me.
Even Tina Turner is mentioned only in passing in my book.
If you are prone to CHASING AMBULANCES, don't read it.
It's not like that.
I'm not like that.
Check out a few of the 60+ Five Star Reader Reviews, below.
You'll see what I'm driving at.
******

Immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal 

(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books


24 June 2022

"WISDOM IS KINDNESS INTELLIGENTLY EXPRESSED"

 

The Earth takes one full spin upon itself, and the day is done.

One trip around the Sun and a New Year has begun.

I Spin and Spin and Spin (sometimes with no direction), and with some fair regularity, lead myself to Sleep.

"OK, Sleeping Brain, now it's your turn. I have neither the time nor inclination to toss and turn for hours before I sleep. Sleeping Brain, DO YOUR JOB! Solve my problems, calm my doubts, help me find new ways to shine when I arise!"

My Waking Brain is fairly inept and too easily distracted. My Sleeping Brain does most of my heavy lifting. 

THAT'S GRATITUDE #1.

GRATITUDE #2 is for you, Gentle Reader. This list will be short and sweet and surely incomplete.

I appreciate the Show that Life presents to me. Gratitude is Contagious in a warm and nuzzling way, changing Smell and Taste in newfound, Comforting Ways. It rubs off whether or not that was your intention. Time seems to take the day off in Gratitude's Neighborhood. 

Gratitude, a small child eyeing you on the doorway's edge. "Peek-a-boo. I'm here."

It shows itself in Selfless Compassion and Joyful Awareness. It wants to have Fun on the most Serious of days. Drop your masks of Anger and Frustration when Gratitude enters or it will strip them from you, like it or not.

Let's call that GRATITUDES #'s 3 & 4. Or 5. Whatever you wish. Gratitude does not keep score.

Gratitude both Calms and Heals. But don't forget what Grief it may Prevent. 

Gratitude will inspire Patience, Courage and Confidence.

Trust it. 

"The World is Still, and I am Moved. Now is a Food and I am Full."

GRATITUDE IS INNUMERABLE. COUNT ON IT.

*****

Check out my NEW Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery 
(Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT 

Immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal 

(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books

I hope you enjoy BOTH of my BOOKS on ADDICTION & RECOVERY! (Print & Kindle Versions of Both are Available!)  

23 June 2022

NUMB DUMBNESS: NO WORDS, NO FEELINGS, DEAD.


"When we allow ourselves to feel our feelings, what should be intolerable becomes intolerable." - Kenny Loggins

Truly, this is where alcohol and drugs took me. Never was Numb Dumbness (No Words, No Feelings, Dead.) my chosen destination, but it seems to have been the destination of my addictions all along.

Calling a Dead-End Dead may sound redundant to those easily fooled (me, me, me), but images in the Mirror called Time are sometimes Closer than they appear, sometimes Further. Beware. 

CUT TO THE CHASE: When the Chase was Done, I was Done in. There was No Way Left to Win.

Admit Complete Defeat.

Not knowing what was possible, if anything else was possible, I did.

Addiction was Impossible. Life became Possible. 

Even knowing that, I also know: Addiction is "a Subtle Foe" (as A.A. correctly proclaims of Alcohol). Dumb. Numb. Drugs.

My Addictions had become Intolerable: "When we allow ourselves to feel our feelings, what should be intolerable becomes intolerable." - Kenny Loggins

Throw what is left of your life into a box. Sort it out. Life starts living here.

WORDS, FEELINGS, ALIVE. 

Find the space between my words.

You are there.

*****

Check out my NEW Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery 
(Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT 

Immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal 

(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books

I hope you enjoy BOTH of my BOOKS on ADDICTION & RECOVERY! (Print & Kindle Versions of Both are Available!)  



19 June 2022

"IN RECOVERY, WE ARE ALL RICHER THAN BEFORE."


The Rich Man and the Poor Man May Never Be Even. But let's take a moment to look at it through the lens of Addiction: The Rich Addicted Man and the Poor Addicted Man will eventually reach similar ends. The Common Ground that they share on Addiction Road is not at first known to them. 

In Recovery, both the Rich Man and the Poor Man will find a Richer Life than they ever knew possible.

If that sounds like mere puffery to you, perhaps you've not been Clean and Sober long enough to discover it for yourself.

Row your Sober Boat on the River of Recovery for a bit longer. You will find the Wind at your Back and the Common Goals of you and your Fellows in Recovery with you.

Your Sober Boat will find Fellow Ship (horrendous pun absolutely intended).

We, in Recovery, are all Richer than Before Addiction took its Toll.

"For Richer, for Poorer, in Sickness and in Health," I've crossed some kind of line here, but won't give up the Ship! Silly me. 

In Recovery, I will allow myself such silliness. 

I am free.

We are Richer than Before.

*****

Check out my NEW Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery 
(Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT 

Immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal 

(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books

I hope you enjoy BOTH of my BOOKS on ADDICTION & RECOVERY! (Print & Kindle Versions of Both are Available!)  

16 June 2022

"W-H-O-A!!!" MEANS NOTHING TO A SWEDISH HORSE

Letting go is hard to do.

As a child, I saw a chicken get its head chopped off and its body slip out of my uncle's hand. That chicken ran headless, down a steep slope and into the swimming pool. Blood everywhere. My uncle's hand let go.

Letting go is hard to do.

A pool of liquor awaits me.

"'WHOA!' MEANS NOTHING TO A SWEDISH HORSE" 

The Language of Addiction Goads You. "Go ahead. Have another drink. You've got plenty of time. You can sleep when you're dead. Go ahead."

All-consuming Alcohol consumed me.

Thirsty little fucker.

From the beginning of my 30-year drinking career to the end, my friends and co-workers intuitively knew that if it was suggested to me that I stop drinking, I would have laughed in their faces. The best worried advice anyone ever gave me was to cut down, to try to control my drinking.

I didn't know then that "by the time I had a reason to stop drinking, reason no longer had anything to do with it."

I was a Social Drinker. A very, Very, VERY Social Drinker.

"'WHOA!' MEANS NOTHING TO A SWEDISH HORSE. 

I had no clue and could not stop.

Letting go of addiction is hard to do.

*****

Check out my NEW Non-Fiction, BECOMING UNBROKEN: Reflections on Addiction and Recovery 
(Find it on Amazon, Book it here): https://lnkd.in/dkF767RT 

Immerse yourself in my Descent into Addiction and eventual Recovery in my Autobiographical Fiction, ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal 

(Find it on Amazon. Book it here): http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO

#alcoholism #addiction #recovery #books

I hope you enjoy BOTH of my BOOKS on ADDICTION & RECOVERY! (Print & Kindle Versions of Both are Available!)