21 January 2019

A Different A.D.D.... NOT Attention Deficit Disorder... Guess, then Read....


A Different A.D.D.
NOT Attention Deficit Disorder, characterized by having difficulty paying attention, being hyperactive and exhibiting impulsive behavior. I'm talking about Alcohol Deficit Disorder, an attention-grabbing acronym for alcoholism. Where it took me. What it did to me.
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Now what? What next? Where?
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"To try to tell the story of my life, I see there is no story to tell, just episodes united by the disease of alcoholism. Selective recall. I doubt hypnosis would reveal much more of note as most memories were never formed in the first place during my nearly daily blackouts. Artificial excitement, emotions raised and lowered by drugs and alcohol. Opportunities pursued drunkenly or not at all.
Sometimes I wished I could stop, but I never thought I could stop drinking. Half of my Tower of Babel was my alcohol-induced inability to understand A.D.D. (Alcohol Deficit Disorder). 'I'll gladly pay you Tuesday to stop my alcohol deficit today.'"
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Perpetual taking. That's what alcohol did to me. And me, all the time, thinking it added to my creativity, despite the illegibly scribbled notes I might have woken up to. In no way did alcohol expand my vision, actually or metaphorically. Like a horse wearing blinders, I saw only the road ahead and the road ahead contained only the next drink.
Always in a state of alcohol deficit, the drink in hand, never enough.
Of course, that was never my intention. Alcohol changes intentions into a wide arc that circles back upon itself, complete only in the next drink, the illusion of the next drink.
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The continuous undulation of a complete, fulfilling and utter presence in this moment.
Alcohol could give not give me that.
Focused attention on the spectacle of an ordinary life.
Alcohol would not give me that.
The wind blows over the dunes on the beach beneath me, crystalline sand blowing my way and the ocean waves singularly and together meet and define the shoreline.
Alcohol did not want to give me that.
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Abundance, satisfaction, the simple perfection of life as it is.
The order of life, imperfect, perceptible in recovery.
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My Alcohol Deficit Disorder is DEAD.
Recovery uncovers reality, minus the unreality of addiction.
Subtract alcohol.
ADD Recovery.
Stand back.
Live.
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"Nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more." 
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The passages above in quotes are excerpted from All Drinking Aside: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal  
Find it on Amazon.com. Book it here: http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO 
Recovery Tweets here: https://twitter.com/JimAnders4   
99+ Recovery Posts on LinkedIn here: https://goo.gl/fmzt9b 

When I Pick Up a Drink, I Relinquish the Knowledge that Escape is Possible

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Once I have picked up a drink, I seemingly relinquish the knowledge that escape from addiction is always possible. Or so it has always seemed.
Here, an edited excerpt from Chapter 47, "Alcoholic Bonsai Bastard," elaborates:
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"I cling tenaciously to my sobriety, like a true bonsai in nature might cling to an outcropping of rocks, a life in miniature....
Emotions eroded by the flow of alcohol through my veins stunted my maturing process. Much, if not most, of sobriety has been simply learning to grow up no longer under the influence. Addictions' lies appearing bigger than the truths they obscured. Fragile, unverifiable, contaminated, directionless, I was delivered to the doors of the rooms of recovery powerless over my addictions, frightened, a pathological and tragic figure at best. The cage door of addiction was always open and I was afraid of freedom from addiction because it was incomprehensible and seemed impossible."
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"The cage door of addiction was always open" but I did not ever know that escape was possible, much less desirable, that life could be worth living without my so-called precious alcohol. Truly, I am glad those days are over, but experience in relapse has taught me time and again that "once I have picked up a drink... the knowledge that escape from addiction is always possible" evaporates into thin air and I ask myself what happened to my last drink as I frantically search for the next.
The search is over. 
Recovery has been found. 
Now, I repeat myself, like a bell resounding recovery, "I cling tenaciously to my sobriety, like a true bonsai in nature might cling to an outcropping of rocks." This I will not give up. Addiction, for today, is done. Recovery has won.
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"Nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more."
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#Alcoholism #Addiction #Recovery
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Passages in quotes are from ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal  
Find it on Amazon.com. Book it here: http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO 
Recovery Tweets here: https://twitter.com/JimAnders4  
99+ Recovery Posts on LinkedIn here: https://goo.gl/fmzt9b