I had to turn off the TV, stop eating my homemade vegetable soup and sit down to my keyboard.
My epiphany was this (as if you didn't already know): MOST of my "DRUNK" was AFTER I First Got "SOBER"!
This epiphany unfurled with another little epiphany inside of it: MY 30-YEAR DRINKING CAREER TAUGHT ME DIDDLY-SQUAT!
Moments ago I finished a separate post titled "CHOICE: Life SOBER or Life DRUNK," whose second sentence is "But I had to learn how to crawl before I could walk." That, I guess, is the precursor to all that follows:
I used to think in my drinking days that I would have to suffer for my art, a common belief, based on cultural myths, I guess. Drinking would be the burden I would have to bear in order to be able to produce my art (I was an advertising copywriter for a dozen or so years).To paraphrase a line in my book, "There was art produced by children in concentration camps, but that art was produced despite the living conditions, not because of them."
The illusion that addiction to alcohol was my burden to bear because it allowed me to produce my volumes of work followed the same equation as the concentration camps, above. Denial, stigma, addiction, bad luck and gravel rolled up into the hard candy crunch that my life had become and how my life would remain until I finally got sober.
Granted, I would not have necessarily had to relapse repeatedly during those first 8 years, but those final years of drinking between intermittent periods of sobriety taught me more than the 30 years of drinking that preceded it.
Those 8 years included disastrous failures at helping and being helped by others in recovery, a lesson in auditory hallucinations, fraudulent bank transactions, being the intended victim of murder, accusations of witnessing a murder, friends and former friends' suicide attempts and tragic successes, lives lost and never found. And on and on.
Viktor Frankl said that "To live is to suffer. To survive is to find meaning in suffering." This is the concentration camp analogy again. Viktor Frankl was a victim of such. I was a victim of alcoholism.
Those last 8 years (after I finally got sober for the first time and the relapses that were part and parcel of my first sobriety), were my concentration camp. I learned that it would some day be possible to be sober, to be productive and to live happily. But I wasn't there yet.
My 30-year drinking career merely prepared me for the suffering that would come AFTER I first found sobriety.
Of course, it is different for everyone, but much of the differences are in the details.
The meaning of my suffering has been found. Victim no more, responsible and free, today, I live sober.
Today's hard candy crunch is bearable because I am sober and my life is bearable because of my sobriety, not in spite of it.
"Nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more."
Enjoy ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal