08 October 2020

H.A.L.T.: HUNGRY (letting), ANGRY (letting go), LONELY (letting go is hard), TIRED (letting go is hard to do).


                                                                         (newyorker.com)


PLEASE NOTE: This excerpt was written during my 3rd year of continuous sobriety. It speaks heavily of remembering, each time remembered, another iteration, curiously twice and thrice removed from reality even as my recovery progressed.

*****

"I resent my sober self, forced by my sobriety to raise myself, to grow up, to raise myself up. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. I resent that my triggers are triggers. Sometimes I really, really have to just let it go. But bad habits make letting go of no longer needed emotions difficult. 

Letting go.

As a child, I saw a chicken get its head chopped off and its body slip out of my Uncle's hand. That chicken ran headless, down a deep slope and into the swimming pool. Blood everywhere. My Uncle's hand let go.

Letting go is hard to do. 

A pool of liquor awaits me.

*****

[footnote]: I had relapsed off and on for 8 years prior to these 3 years, but surprisingly, I did not relapse after I wrote this. 

I lived to learn that Recovery is Possible, Doable & Irreplaceable.

*****
"Nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more."
*****
Passages in quotes are excerpted from ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal
On Amazon.com. Book it here: http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO 
5,800+ Recovery Tweets here: twitter.com/jimanders4 


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