"When 'i' is replaced with 'we' even illness becomes wellness." - Malcolm X
Even now, 14+ years into continuous sobriety, I am shocked and amazed at the emotional imbalances I was beginning to feel in my early recovery. I am so grateful that I have a written record of much of those early years. I was so broken and I need to remember how shattered I was. In early recovery, I wrote:
"Now, when I cry for others, why do they feel like the tears that I should have had, but never did, never did shed for myself? Is empathy a rear view mirror? A way to not cry out alone? A backlog, a log jam of tears. Why am I now bleeding where once I should have scarred? Why are the tremors I am now feeling the sober echoes of my unfelt, drunken, painful past?"
Emotions in the bottleneck, years and years later, continuing into my early recovery, still resonate within me. Addiction sucked the life out of everything and I am still recovering, will, undoubtedly, always be in recovery. Still the drunk dreams, the drug dreams. "You can have drunk dreams sober, but you can't have sober dreams drunk." It is good for me to remember this when I wake up from such chaotic dreams as these. I, for one, must not forget the way it was (yet did not need to be).
Addiction fed itself on me and I was consumed. This is a new and better life for me now. My clarity increases with time, even as my decline from old age slowly takes over. Old age is yet another Elephant in the Room, lumbering forward, inescapable whether attention is paid to it or not. As inevitable as December following the Fall, old age is slowly giving me a new, perhaps more dignified look. Life is for living. Sober and aging, so far superior to dying from drinking. Slowly, with a bit of grace, still, I move forward.
Serene. In Recovery. Today.
Emotions anesthetized by decades of booze took years to reach their various states of equilibrium in recovery. Balance, finding balance took so much time. Old Age and Recovery, Twin Elephants, begin to merge. Merge and Emerge, so much more subtle than the helter-skelter of the Emergency Rooms of Drunken Days gone by. The harmony within me is now being uncovered, discovered, recovered. Now, it is life that I find intoxicating, rather than me being intoxicated. Inner and outer harmonies in sync.
It took time for my rollercoaster of emotions to come to a full stop. The momentum of thirty years slowly has become a glass of recovery filled to the brim with gratitude.
Truly, I do not wish to repeat the past... again! (but I don't mind repeating that last sentence: "The momentum of thirty years slowly has become a glass of recovery filled to the brim with gratitude," LOL (grateful to use this informal abbreviation, where apropos, despite my age).
Sincerely, The (Former) Relapse King, for this Very Moment,
Sober and Serene....
P.S. When I first got sober, it felt like my life would be forever dull. Instead, this new life replacing the old bears a certain, stable, aging grace.
"I" becomes "We." "Forest" becomes "Tree."
It's all good.
"Nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more."
Passages in quotes are excerpted from ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction and Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal
Find it on Amazon.com here: http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO
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