"In control. Out of control. The illusion of control. Only an alcoholic has this perpetually deepening illusion of control despite continually worsening negative consequences. The disease is hard at work. Social drinkers do not think like this.
'Why doesn't he just stop?'
The social drinker does not understand this alcoholic insanity.
The die may have been cast at Jim's birth, through heredity, but each drink slowly soldered shut some door.
Shut." - (Vatchi, one of the 3 Fictional Characters of All Drinking Aside)
My eventual surrender to the fact I am an alcoholic (whose best decision is to abstain from alcohol in any and all forms) took me several relapses and 8 years of continuous, unrelenting struggle. Addiction divides our world and divides and redivides the addict, making mincemeat of flesh and human heartbeats. My indomitable spirit could not surrender against the tide of 50,000 drinks and untold consequences. "The bird does not know the sky" and I, blinded, did not know the depths of the sea of alcohol in which I swam. I did not breathe oxygen. The air itself was alcohol as I was propelled to the bottom, gasping for breath. I would somehow live to see past this dying, naked figure on the bottom of that ocean, drinking more to somehow save itself.
My undoing took time.
A sustained and sober pattern of breathing took years of effort and practice. This new and sober resilience would be learned and the way I was... unlearned, relearned.
Easy, relaxed patterns of living emerged slowly. What seemed impossible in the drink became possible in recovery.
Surrender to win.
Let a new life begin now and now, a green emergence in the sylvan sky. Released....The illusion of control over drinking, while once drowning in a sea of alcohol, has long dissipated. Dissipated, yet never fully gone, always the possibility of this illusion's resurgence.
Now and now, sobriety's sustained peace in the cradled arms of recovery, the echo of waves, beached finally on this human shore. Breathing unlearned, relearned and learned again. This sea is free of alcohol once more.
Breathe in sobriety's intoxication, real, illusion-free.
Breathe out... another day is born.
"Nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more."
You may also enjoy ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal
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