14 May 2018

Chasing Illusions (ADDICTION) / Finding Recovery (ATTRACTION)


Was I ever really attracted to addiction?
Is anyone?
Swallowed up by it, slowly, progressively, like a large pig eaten by an anaconda, the passage of time marked in years dissolving within the belly of the beast, my human refuse, this alcoholic animal, somehow salvaged, starting over at the end.
Yes, that last sentence was a run-on.
I know. I know. I know (unnecessary repetition, like addiction's insanity itself).
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Mid-Addiction (let's say 10 years in), "I imagined that I would one day be able to be successful, ... to be able to drink successfully, ... but I was chasing the illusion of all alcoholics that somehow, someday, my drinking could be, better and different. This was before several relapses finally taught me, that for an alcoholic like me, I could never drink successfully, and that, no matter what else happened, or how long I went without a drink, it would always and could only, end worse. The best I could do was to imagine that my drinking would [somehow, some way] be manageable...."
*****
"'I'll show them!' drinking has always been my most catastrophic. All it has ever shown 'them' is what a chronic alcoholic I am. My last 'I'll show them!' drink resulted in a four-day binge that got me neatly strapped into a hospital bed and nearly fired... "
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Soon after, a fictional character (unnoticed by me), chimes in...
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(Vatchi): All we have I now, Sotto. The drunken TV show host is gone. The anonymous drunk and disorderly nuisance is gone. Jim clings to these memories to keep himself fearful. The sirens are calling him to drink 'on the rocks.' "Surrender to win" is a tough, tough sell. Until the alcoholic learns that there is no alternative. And with the first drink,"now" ends and the old insanity begins again.
*****
I guess I never really was attracted to addiction, but once it got a hold on me, it was not long until it was I who could not let go, chasing, chasing, chasing... all the while swallowed whole.
My attraction to recovery was not immediate either, happening in real time, measured in sober days stretched behind me, before me, within me.


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"Nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more."
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#Alcoholism #Addiction #Recovery
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The passages in quotes (and Vatchi's speech) are excerpted from ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction and Reconstruction of An Alcoholic Animal: http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO
Recovery Tweets: http://twitter.com/JimAnders4
150+ Recovery Posts: https://goo.gl/jHfdjq 


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