In my experience, self-doubt has been the most crippling of all my uncertainties. The possibilities of making progress, away from addiction or toward recovery, were stymied by my increasing sense of helplessness during my alcoholic descent. Stigmas perpetuated (Silence is Not Golden). My life loosened, untethered, lost. So long drifting in a sea of alcohol, wasted, living a scrapheap existence. Of course, this post about lies and doubts could fill volumes. It truly is for each reader to reflect upon their own experience. Lies we tell ourselves. Lies told us. Too many to enumerate. We have our own particular histories, each and all. Self-doubt, crises of belief, gut feelings, crippling anxieties and on and on.
Let me start with the biggest lie addiction told me. "You Deserve No Better," the bottle said. That was so self-defeating (yes, many alcoholics listen to their bottles' proclamations). It came on slowly as addiction to alcohol crept over me, not unlike spousal abuse in all its subtleties. Eventually, I wished I were dead, life seeming so not worth living under addiction's power. At that time, I knew of no possible, desirable alternative.
But what I did not know then and I am now fully applying to my cancer diagnosis and treatment, is that I may emerge more-fully-whole at this and each and every cycle's end.
"Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes." These words by Oscar Wilde still ring true to me today. Whether addiction, recovery, cancer, lies, doubts and deceits are by cause or coincidence is of little importance to me at this moment in time. Connections with others, connections within myself and following the orders of evidence-based treatments for cancer are my daily renewable prescriptions. Move forward in the direction of recovery. This is what I have lived and learned to know.
To think that addiction and its circuitous windings have led me through sobriety and on a path through which the pall of cancer, what could have otherwise been only an ominous cloud, has become a sort of promising. To live and to have lived through all life's perturbations and reached a point of calm aplomb is bountiful to me.
Who'd have THUNK?
"Not I," said the little red hen.
To which I reply "All of us, all of us, all of us. All."
The lies, the doubts, the all of the above, have, it seems, served an eventual purpose. Through recovery from addiction, I have learned that addiction disconnects and recovery connects and reconnects in the brashest and most subtle ways. The way out is through.
Survival is connecting. My tools are honed.
Life is now my home.
It seems no matter how it ends, it will end well.
Hello. Recovery is the only way to go. Cancer, Addiction, Recovery, Emergence (damn, if that doesn't spell C.A.R.E.!)
C.A.R.E. Connect, Reconnect, Recover.
Today, all lies and doubts aside.
Today, I will enjoy this ride.
There's Room in this Recovery for Everyone.
("A singe lie discovered is enough to create doubt in every truth expressed." on Pinterest)
My 13 Years of Recovery from Addiction has been like Kindergarten through 12th Grade for me.Now I've Graduated to Cancer. The tools acquired in each apply to all in recovery from any and all...
All Cancer / Alcoholism / Addiction posts are immediately below this sixth one on the link provided here (Reverse Chronological Order): https://alldrinkingaside.blogspot.com
#SurviveAddiction #SurviveCancer #SurviveYourself*****
Finally, whether it be Cancer, Addiction, Alcoholism, Recovery or All of the Above,
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Mañana, Part Seven!
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