That's how it felt and I don't think that was far from where I was, emptiness inside emptiness, like those Russian dolls, one inside the next, revealing less, meaning less, feeling less. An "Implosion. No fireworks. No Fourth of July. An entire life crumbling in upon itself. Like a black hole, so dense no light can escape. There are no rubberneckers to implosions. Implosions are not cause to celebrate. There is nothing to see. Not communal. Nothing communal here. Solitary. Alone. Entirely alone."
And yes, I did survive this. To think that the obsession to drink could be so strong that every single thread of connection with the outside world would be severed. It was unimaginable.
If my body did not give out right then and there I would have died. One more sip would kill. Yet it was still wanted, even under those conditions. Catch-22 of the most deadly kind.
Still, one year later I would drink again. And did drink again. Another turn on addiction's insane wheel.
Today, "nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more." I keep coming back to that quote because there was no meaning or purpose to addiction once I was in its grip. And this one: "By the time I had a reason to quit drinking, reason no longer had anything to do with it."
Recovery explodes with meaning. Addiction, the most meaningless of implosions. If you are sober today, stay sober. There's nothing back there. Relapse is a trap. Don't give into it. Give yourself to Recovery. You will find yourself there. In Recovery. It can be done. Nothing else makes any sense.
*****#Alcoholism #Addiction #Recovery
Passages in quotes are excerpted from ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction and Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO
Recovery Tweets: http://twitter.com/JimAnders4