01 February 2018

The Unquenchable Thirst That Only Recovery Could Fill

Letting go of alcohol in my early recovery felt truly impossible. Early on, my relentless, unquenchable thirst for alcohol had me in an unforgiving chase towards Recovery. Tight-fisted, I clutched this new-found life with a ferocity which only added to my difficulties. After all, drinking was all I knew. 
I walked a tightrope. 
But Recovery is not a tightrope, it's a bridge, a wide bridge which leads to many paths and lives for those who finally find it. 
To chase after sobriety was too close to the chase for the next drink for me. Doing push-ups for the next drink. This was not a chase. I felt like I needed different muscles somehow. Recovery felt like it should become an embodiment, not something to possess, like a cheap half-gallon of vodka. I would somehow enfold it as it enfolded me. Gently. Sobriety, 'this loose-fitting garment.'  
I would have to move away from the idea that sobriety was some form of punishment. Slow down. So close to death, then suddenly sober. How awkwardly I chased the desire to live without alcohol. Alcohol had been ruthlessly, mercilessly killing me. And now this, sobriety. I didn't know what it was. Recovery was beyond my 30 years of experience drinking daily.
Each sober breath became a new experience, different, so different from the numbness each drink presented me. Learning to breathe became a way of letting go, completely, of the last drink. The bridge is wide, the path, an expansive highway. Still lost, it was not so much that I found recovery as recovery found me.
The realization that I was truly sober, truly living in recovery took around five years. My teeth were no longer clenching. Nor my fists. A subtle shift, loosening, unloosening, recovery found me.
Letting go, that hackneyed "Go with the flow," finally meant something. My brain changed with time in thousands of different ways and the broken pieces became whole, a container which could hold me, complete, no glass in hand.
The edges of a rainbow dissipate into thin air. In that space I found recovery and myself, a letting go becoming whole.
No drink ever took me into that thin, full air. Never.
I did not drink today.
This is a very, very, very good day. 
Letting go....

"Nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more." 
#Alcoholism #Addiction #Recovery
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