27 February 2018

... a heart made empty, PHANTOM PAIN, real as any other...


"In a full heart there is room for everything, and in an empty heart there is room for nothing." - Antonio Porchia
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The Phantom Pain an amputee feels where an arm or leg once was but is no longer there is oh-so-easy for me to imagine. Cramps, tingling, burning, numbness, pain running up and down, all in the area where the limb used to be. It's all a trick of memory and loss, of what was but no longer is. Mixed signals from the brain.
Close your eyes. Without touching it, picture in your mind how your leg feels right this second. Now imagine it has been amputated but you still feel it, exactly the same. Loss. The memory of loss. And forgetting, deep forgetting.
A decade after I quit smoking, occasionally, I find my hand clutching my chest pocket where my pack of Marlboros were usually found. This, without a previous thought of a cigarette. I know now these detours are dead ends leaving me clutching at nothing, evaporating in thin air.
"I still have phantom memories of my drinking past, euphoric recall. It's as if one of my legs were amputated, but that I can still sometimes, somehow feel those toes that are not there.
Triggers are phantom toes wiggling. Don't take the bait. Don't bite. Use your good leg, the sober leg. The bad leg is gone. Let it go. Say your eulogy. Mourn this death and move on.
Addiction is a beast that lives within you. You cannot kill the beast. Denial, anger, fear will not kill it. Begging, pleading, blaming will not tame it. Depression, self-pity, doubt: They only feed it. Confront it. Accept it. The beast will never die."
Triggers are phantom toes wiggling. Don't take the bait. Don't bite. Use your good leg, the sober leg. The bad leg is gone. Let it go. Say your eulogy. Mourn this death and move on.
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Addiction's Phantom Pleasures are Illusions, too. But all the pains that addiction may have caused you will return full-force and worse if you pick up now. Or ever. That has been my experience. With each successive relapse, the desire of Addiction's Endless Quest for More is, was, has been, will return and will never be satisfied. You will find nothing, then less than nothing, the pain that is addiction, the pain of numb and nil. The nothing that IS nothing. Real. Too real. Don't take the bait. Don't bite. Use your good leg, the sober leg. The bad leg is gone. Let it go. Say your eulogy. Mourn this death and move on. Pain, pain numb and nil. Believe addiction will not have its fill. Recovery has room for one and all. Recovery is my everything...
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"I know what I have given you... I do not know what you have received." - Antonio Porchia

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"Nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more."
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#Alcoholism #Addiction #Recovery
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Passages in quotes are excerpted from ALL DRINKING ASIDE: The Destruction, Deconstruction and Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO
Recovery Tweets: http://twitter.com/JimAnders4

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