30 January 2018

Toasted on this Rollercoaster.... Drinking Game (finally) Over!

Alcohol's Rollercoaster effect is well-known to me. The first few drinks act as a stimulant and after continued use, the opposite effects occur and the depressant effects of alcohol take hold leading to a blackout and eventually passing out (at least in my case). Every day the stimulant effects, followed after a few drinks by the depressant results. Like a Rollercoaster, up, then down (multiply that by the 10,000+ days of my 30 years of consumption), the amusement ride called addiction morphs into a nightmare. 
On and on until in short order, as my drinking career progressed, my ability to control how much I drank was aided and abetted by other drugs. No surprise there, in retrospect.
"I learned to medicate my alcohol with speed and valium to extend or cut short the inherent highs and lows which alcohol naturally produce. Other drugs were like the fine tuner knobs on my alcoholic TV set. Other drugs actually enabled me to imagine that I was in control, that alcohol would not control me."
Like the "The Outer Limits" television show (1963 - 1965) which preceded each episode with these words relating to the fine tuner knobs on their viewer's TV set ("There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity,... "), I similarly expressed my limits to others: "There is nothing wrong with me. Do not attempt to change my behavior. I am in control of all the drugs I ingest, smoke or otherwise consume...," etc. In other words... F*** Off!
[To listen to the complete :45 second intro, listen here... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CtjhWhw2I8 ] 
My thousand channels were all delusional. My crystal clarity was neither crystal nor clear. My vision of reality was blurred, my creativity contorted. For 30 years, I was the TV show no one wanted to watch... except in horror. 
An addict's denial of loss of control over their substance(s) will continue until progressively catastrophic consequences bring them to the brink of their destruction... or death.
Today, a realistic humility allows me to proclaim: "I am an alcoholic in long-term recovery. From 'The Outer Limits' of Addiction to the Inner Peace of Recovery. Drinking game over."

#Alcoholism #Addiction #Recovery
"Nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more."
Passages in quotes are excerpted from All Drinking Aside: http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO
Recovery Tweets: http://twitter.com/JimAnders4
140+ Recovery Posts: https://goo.gl/fmzt9b

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