22 January 2018

Sober Reflections on a Child's Wonder at Prayer...


"My Grandmother sits counting her rosary beads. I am ten years old. She whispers a prayer in Latin as each bead slowly moves on. 
She appears calm in my memory. The light appears to pour out of her as easily as it falls upon her. Her breath is quiet. Her voice is low and calm. There is a unison of sensations going on. Sight is sound is smell is touch. The pause between her inhaling and exhaling lies in some state of eternal evaporation. 
Watching her calms me. 
She could not translate into English a single sound of Latin that she had memorized. The sounds took her out of herself."
*****
Alcohol took me out of myself. Alcohol did that. Each sip an unknown, yet self-defeating prayer of sorts. Wanting answers, searching for calm, peace. Alcohol destroyed that. Childhood. How wondrous it seemed. Drinking changed all that for 30 years.
The world is my snifter now. Sober, observations mulled in the mind's eye. Here, sitting on the ocean's edge, the sun's sheen creates a light that is both the water and the sun in their totalities. One may want for moments like these, when all becomes as one. I have no need beyond this simple meditation, a prayer of sorts for what just is. Recovery does that. Alcohol could not do that. Reality intoxicates. Alcohol, impotent, a broken tool cast into some far corner out of sight, out of mind.
*****
Odd, accurate, this rosy rosary called memory strung in pearls of light at ocean's edge. Recovery is my child, being raised gently, as a grandparent might. I observe myself growing up now, in recovery, strong, tender, resilient, obedient to light lapping at the shore. 
The suffering of addiction brought me here. The peace, found in recovery here, keeps me here, keeps me.... (keeps me)... here.

*****
"Nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more."
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#Alcoholism #Addiction #Recovery
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