I meditate on things I wish never to forget. And blackout drinking is near the top of that list. Many social drinkers out there don't understand exactly what blackout drinking is. Conscious in the moment, the drinker continues to drink up a storm. To the observer, it appears impossible that he or she will not later remember the events taking place. After all, the person is still awake and drinking. How could they not remember? The blackout drinker does not remember because no memories are being formed. Essentially, there is no memory to remember....
*****"Evening Meditation: Denial was my Tootsie Pop, the caramel of my addiction within this hardball sugar coating. Gumdrops, lollipops... Wrapped too tight, too loose to explain. Blackouts from drinking rolled in coconut. Or cocaine. How did I survive this? How will I survive this? I cannot, should not, must not do this alone."
The possibility of forming memories has been obliterated by alcohol in that blackout state. That's quite a different thing from passing out. I passed out nearly daily, too, consistently not remembering how I ever eventually arrived home.
And yes, blackout drinking is very, very dangerous, but it became the new normal for me. I got home safely, didn't I? Oh, well, I'd say to myself in one of many states of denial.The irony that I must now remember that I could not remember then is not lost on me. Another tool in my toolbox replacing the caramel of my addiction....
#Alcoholism #Addiction #Recovery
The above, in quotes, is excerpted from "All Drinking Aside: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal," an Autobiographical Fiction by Jim Anders, linked here: http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO