20 January 2017

Shunned... a White Emptiness

Imagine the lightest and brightest of white rooms, no window, a closed door, you and nothing else for seemingly endless days. Avoided, ignored, rejected. This is you in solitary confinement.
You have learned to despise yourself.
Isolated, you are in the holding cell called Self. Who you were is not who you will become. This is the Funhouse of Addiction. What could never be did become this insanity.
I was there once, too. In the beginning, even others did not see it for all the horror it grew into, as illustrated by remarks by one of the fictional characters of my book, early on:
(Sotto): Some imagined future vision of our selves. We hold it up to the light like a snifter of fine cognac. And yet, we’re judged by others by our past..... For the most part, others view us and judge us only by our behavior. Our own sense of self includes our as yet unfulfilled potential. Jim thought that one day his drinking could become more manageable.
In actuality, I could never manage my drinking. Endless nights of sitting in bars saying to myself that I would leave after I had just one more drink, then staying hours beyond endurance. And excuses which were really elaborate inventions to whitewash the truth.
The lines of cause and effect become blurred as you travel further and further down the rabbit hole of addiction. My past and future were simultaneously disappearing as I was disappearing in the present. There was no one there.
Shunned? Yes, real or imaginary, I felt shunned by the world, a disposable, meaningless scrap. Alcohol took it all and wanted more. I wanted more, to further kill the numbness that had caused it all. Eventually, I shunned myself, walled in by alcohol, close to brain dead. Shunned. Nothing but a white emptiness.
To any happy social drinker reading this, are you now beginning to see why I would never again risk a drink, to think that I, like you, could be a social drinker?
I never was and I will to never try.
Today, I shun. 
I shun alcohol.
And opt for sober fun.
Recovery is my sum.

#Alcoholism #Addiction #Recovery
Only the passage spoken by the fictional character Sotto, above, is from All Drinking Aside. 
This post will serve as a bridge, a window and a door 
to what you will find there and how my recovery was uncovered....

All Drinking Aside: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction
of an Alcoholic Animal by Jim Anders is linked here: 

Find his recovery Tweets here: 

Explore the flavor and texture of his writing style on LinkedIn here: 

No comments:

Post a Comment