13 December 2016

Doubt (& no doubt) in Addiction (& Recovery)


Doubt can be a door to Recovery or a Trigger, a Relapse Trap. Mother Teresa overcame her doubts, knowing that if she did the next right thing, all would work out, doubt or no doubt (Please note: I'm neither a Catholic...). Conversely, a suicide bomber presumably does not struggle with doubt in the very least before destroying himself and all around him (... nor am I a suicide bomber).
No doubt, doubt played a significant role in my alcohol addiction and in my recovery process. Let me cite two simple examples:
DOUBT...
"Two-thirds cup of doubt in an empty cup. That was my kind of luck. No leap of faith would fill my drunken cup or keep me sober. 
My trust in my own recovery is not yet complete, has never been, and may never be. I have to be here fully, or close to fully, belly up to my own Recovery Bar. 
I am my own Trojan horse - a full cup hidden inside an empty one."
Yes, doubt can be troubling, disturbing, enigmatic.
... but NO DOUBT may not always lead to the positive results obtained in this single example:
"The doctor diagnosed my condition as a sinus infection and gave me a prescription for antibiotics. Knowing that I would be well in ten days made me feel subjectively better instantly. Nothing changed but my faith in the knowledge that things would change for the better very soon. If I can learn to apply this kind of trust to everything in my life, then I will feel better now and feeling better now will guide me into feeling better in the future.... "
Both DOUBT and NO DOUBT have inherent uncertainties. The doctor may have misdiagnosed, the pharmacy may have erred in the prescription's preparation, a universe of etceteras may exist. 
CLEARLY, mistakes and misdirection may occur no matter how sure and/or unsure one is, but good judgement is exercised more often on the side of caution in sobriety than in addiction. Drunk decisions, emotions and directions will more likely be debilitating than a sober, cautious pursuit in recovery. I have NO DOUBT that I will have LESS DOUBT in my decisions made in recovery than in the THOUSAND bottles of beer on the wall, the THOUSAND bottles of beer.
DOUBT or NO DOUBT, my decisions should have been obvious, but were more often oblivious. 
*****
"Nothing matters more than that we remain sober because when we remain sober everything matters more."
*****
The passages above in quotes are excerpted from All Drinking Aside: The Destruction, Deconstruction & Reconstruction of an Alcoholic Animal , an Autobiographical Fiction by Jim Anders, linked here: http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO
Visit his Niume Recovery page here: https://niume.com/pages/profile/?userID=26056
& find his Recovery Tweets here: http://twitter.com/JimAnders4

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