That is a sad state of affairs to once have felt that I wanted a pill to change who I was, who I must have been. Situational depression might well have been what it was when I first hit bottom in 1996 at the age of 46, 30 years and 50,000 drinks after my first intoxication.
But it was more than that. More than that situation of having hit bottom that first time. Like a snowball rolling down a hill, accumulating as it rolled, I became an avalanche. "An avalanche and then forgetful snow. This is how I would die. Death by alcohol. It would seem to comfort as it killed."
But I did not die and there was no pill for who I was.
"Fired from my first job sober. Ain't that cute? Over-medicated on prescription anti-depressants. Have they no anti-self pity prescriptions? What must I do to not feel screwed? Emotional brick walls. Pills for everything except for who I am. The self as brick wall and not knowing which side you're on. No pill for that....
What is left when nothing's left?
A drink. A cigarette. Ten thousand more...."
Recovery is my medication today....
Last night was my first drunk dream in over 12 years where I was not the one drunk in the dream. I was sober. Others in that dream were drunk and the sober, new, 12-year sober Jim had to deal with them.
... Recovery evolves.
"Pills for everything except for who I am." How far away that seems.
Living to dream. Living the dream.
I am alive and accept now who I am.
#Alcoholism #Addiction #Recovery*****
Passages in quotes are excerpted from All Drinking Aside, an Autobiographical Fiction by Jim Anders, linked here: http://amzn.to/1bX6JyO
Visit his Niume Recovery page here: https://niume.com/pages/profile/?userID=26056& find his Recovery Tweets here: http://twitter.com/JimAnders4